My Heart, My Sins, My Burden
by Razgrizblaze1
Summary: What do you do when you have nowhere else to run? How do you act when you're backed into a corner as small as your broken heart. Do you give in to the thing you detest most or go back to the ones who abandoned you? Asuka oneshot post 3I.


(A/N You know, so much time has passed, that my primary story has shifted to the next page at this time. Sadly, it must rest there as this is NOT chapter 16. Instead of working on my next section, instead I begin you a short, oneshot, brand new story. Yes, despite the ending...that is that! Don't know what I'm talking about, than start reading so that you can understand. I am going to leave it as 'in-progress so I may edit it later, but this is basically it. I hope you guys can enjoy this technically non-crossover Eva story. However, despite being a story of its own, it's still connected with the universe of my other story...ah, enough BS.

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion...wow, that was simple, wasn't it?

(Q/A/N Hey, Darknemo2000, I hope you enjoy this one!)

* * *

My Heart, My Sins, My Burden

What is it that makes life different for us? For some, life is a cesspool of imagination and creativity filled with the captivation of crafting something beautiful. For others, it is a constant day-to-day struggle for survival, to find the roots of happiness and exploit them for the purpose of living to see the next day. But some never find that happiness, and are thus left to drift helplessly on the murky seas of loneliness. However, when fate converges on a sole entity, giving them the choice to create or destroy, granting them divine power over all, how is it that they return things worse than before? One person could have made all the difference and instead wiped the slate clean for billions of souls.

Why is it that this one person cannot alter the fate of one soul into a sphere of contentment? A single being…his existence melds with mine along the axis of time, only to be forced away by the sleight of my hand. But was it his foolishness or my self-consciousness that ebbed the separation of our worlds. For what has truly denied me Utopia…my mind and soul…or my haunting past? Whether I will ever reclaim myself is still a mystery…and the solution is beyond the edge of my existence.

But who can pull me from the brink…what can return me to the light…?

* * *

"_Asuka...you mustn't die…you must live!"_

Her voice still lingers, an unholy echo that dribbles and pours its message over my mind. A part of me will always fear death…yet for her it came naturally. Why couldn't she hold me for just a bit longer, why is her embrace fading so quickly? I want her back so bad, I ache for her relief. For the first time, I had a mother who cared…and now she's gone!

"_Asuka…Asuka…Asuka" _The chant of her voice, the specter calls for me with her voice. _"Asuka…asaam…_miss…miss, are you alright?"

Her face swirls above mine, the kind glowing face of my mother swiftly replaced by the cold worried look of a stranger. The new face is stiff, charcoal black, lips tightened straight with resolve. His fingers wrap around my back as the ground disappears from my back, my body jerking up and down as the figure slowly moves towards flashing lights. Red and white vehicles loom at the edge of a road not too far away, people scrambling and loading another person onto a stretcher. We sift closer with each step the man takes, eventually swallowing us as he places me through the back door and onto a stretcher. The man pushes the hair from my uncovered eye, smiling warmly as he turns for the back of the vehicle.

"You'll be alright." His parting words are plain, but not without care. There's no confidence in his voice…does he expect me to die. Am I going to die?

He's gone before I can reply; his face lost to the walls of the ambulance...lost without a trace. A new face climbs in the back as the doors shut behind him, separating me from the outside world. The new face lacks the kindness of the last, forcing needles down my arm, attaching machinery to my abdomen and chest, and latching a mask to my face.

He looks at the monitors, shaking his head as he takes notes on his clipboard. He looks back between me and the equipment, stopping only to shake his head and sigh. The vehicle bounces, but the stranger gives no attention to the constant disturbance. He goes about his work with pre-meditated motion, probably well practiced at working under these conditions.

The doors re-open, a breath of fresh air more than welcome as two pairs of hands lift my stretcher from the compartment, lowering me to the ground and rolling me inside a new building. Past the outside fountain and marble flooring, they quickly roll me into the elevator and up off the first level. The elevator sounds off as the elevator slowly climbs upward towards our destination. Finally, the doors slide apart, allowing the masked faces above to roll me down the hall and through a set of double doors.

"How's her condition?"

"Declining, we need to get her into critical."

"BP is dropping! She could go into cardiac arrest at any moment."

"What's the state of those wounds she has?"

"We don't know…you'll need to undress them if you want to find out.

"Put her in the front critical ward. I want a tube of 0.1M Potassium Chloride waiting when we get there!"

"Yes, Doctor."

Their voices are buzzing…fading out. I felt fine just a minute ago, why can't I move? Why can't I speak…why is my vision fading in and out? What are they going to do?

"_Mama…mama…look at me!"_

Why am I so scared?

"We're losing her! Doctor! ...DOCTOR!!!"

"It's now or never…push on the count of three! …One…two…THR-"

Why can't I cry?

* * *

"_Asuka…I will protect you…you're still alive…"_

No she won't, her flame has gone. She no longer exists on this world, she is as dead as I was…and this time, there's no hope of redeeming her. Yet, why does she linger?

"_Don't kill her…she must live…"_

Why won't it stop! Why can't I forget her voice? This sadness, it burns my mind, threatening to tear out what little strength I have left. Please, leave me alone mother, I don't want to be plagued with your voice…can't I hear somebody else's call? Is there anybody out there…anyone!!?

"_Please…die with me…"_

No, never! I don't want to go back, not if it means going through the same suffering as before. Release me now, put me down, and leave my mind alone! Put things like they were before…when I was actually happy. If you can grant requests…

…Let things go back to the way they were!!!

* * *

"Ma…ma"

Light! It glows from beyond the closed veil of my eyes, roasting them and giving off a sight of red underneath my eyelids. Slowly, they slit apart, allowing my eyes to meet the beaming sunlight. The outside blossoms with such radiance, the background almost lost to the magnitude of the sun's light. The sky has never looked so blue, no longer the red tinge it had held before.

Everything around me is blurred, fuzzy to my unadjusted eyes. I close them and try to rub out the burning sensation with my hands. Satisfied, I re-open them to observe my surroundings.

The room around me is comfortably modest, with only the essentials lying about the room. Monitors lay to my left, beeping with every pulse of my heart, a nightstand on the other side, a televisions in the far corner opposite the door, and a pair of folding chairs on the wall. Also, the warm air temperature is more than welcome, a substantial improvement from laying out in the cold underneath the night's sky. Yeah, I could get re-used to living like this.

But I'm still confused over the events of last night…with the lights and the yelling, the chaos and illusions. There were people, actual people, talking and working, people who weren't just part of some damned dream. I thought that it was over, that I was destined to die alone on a solemn Earth. But that never happened, people came back…and I'm still alive. But what do I make of this second chance? Where do I go from here?

"…Yeah, that's true…" A new voice sounded off, immediately followed by two more, laughing at whatever the first had said. Somebody is out there, an actual human being!

The door swings open, and a man walks in with his back turned. "I just need to check on this last patient, and than we can sign out. Wait up for me, alright!" His voice is met with a 'sure, no problem', before he finally turns to my conscious form.

"Ah, I see you've actually managed to wake up." His voice comes with a hint of shock, as if seeing me awake in bed has startled him.

"I'm fine…at least I think I am." I shift up in bed, which causes the cover on the bed to fall down and reveal a patient's gown. But my right arm feels weird and when I turn to examine it I find the patching all gone.

My arm is perfectly fine!

I raise it to my left eye, feeling around for something out of the ordinary, yet finding no sign of injury around the socket. I can see clearly with it, but this makes no sense.

"Oh, we got rid of the bandages. When we saw that there was nothing wrong with your arm and eye, we just chucked them in the garbage and that was that." He returns to his senses, walking over and checking the monitors with apparent precaution. He nods and mumbles to himself a couple times while taking note of their readings. But in his silence, I only grow all the more nervous.

"So, doctor. How am I?"

He takes one of the folded chairs propped up against the wall and unfolds it next to the bed. He takes a seat and returns his gaze to mine, meeting me with a worried stern look. He than softens it up with a smile, removing the tension it had just previously shown.

"I think you're going to be just fine, Miss." With a genuine smile, he pulls out a pen and paper and hands the clipboard to me. "I'd like you to fill this out. It's a basic info sheet, so we can identify who you are. But judging by the article of clothing you originally came in with, we've already guessed who you are."

"So if you know who I am, why have me fill it out?"

"It's a requirement for all patients accepted into the emergency room. Just fill out whatever you can and we'll take care of the rest."

"When can I leave?" He starts to answer, but quickly stops himself. He puts his hand to his chin, looking off out the window for a moment before turning back to me.

"Probably tomorrow, if we get your examinations done today. Just fill out that form and I'll see what I can do." He gets up out of the chair and heads for the door. "I'll send a nurse for you in a few minutes. She'll take care of the rest.

And out the door he goes, resigning himself to whatever plans he has for…whatever time it is. Deciding to retire from thought, I put the pen to the form and begin filling out the questionnaire. It asks for the simple basic things; name, address, parent/guardian, last visit to hospital. It doesn't take long to fill out, and once I set the paper and pen down on the nightstand, I sit back and relax. It won't take long for me to get out of here and after that, I'll be free.

* * *

It stands before me, tantalizing me with a quick escape…the easy way out. The black handle is mine for the taking, but part of me is against giving in. However, I have nowhere else to turn and it beats the alternative. My two options each take me a step back, the question is how far back do I want to travel? I need to decide quickly, before anyone knows what's going on.

Hesitant, my hand slowly reaches for the handle, shaking as the two decisions battle for dominance in my mindscape. Do I really want to do this? Decided, my hand grasps the receiver and I dial the number into the phone. The ringer goes off two times before someone picks it up.

"What!!?" An annoyed voice comes in from the other side.

"Y-yes…hello, it's…"

"Hurry it up, I'm very busy!" He growls on the other end, his patience rapidly declining.

I might as well come out and say it, not that it'll grant me many favors. "Father…it's me."

"…Asuka? …so you're running back after all?"

"Cut the shit dad, I need passage home…back to Germany." I bet he's going to get a kick out of this.

"I see. So, you really are just like your mother, running to safety when life gets too tough for you to handle." The satisfaction in his voice is beginning to piss me off, but he's my only way out of here.

"So what if I need your help? I bet you're cheering over the fact that your only daughter wants to come home to her dada." I know my temper is flaring and that it's not helping the situation, but he really gets on my nerves. And it's not like he cares…

"Than I'm going to help you, but only under my consensus, got it?" He always adds a catch to everything. Why can't he leave what is alone?

"Just take me back dad…I'll…I'll do whatever you want…just please, take me back. And hurry!" Do I really have to give in? Is surrender my only real option?

"Well, if you're so eager to come back, than I'm sure you won't mind waiting a couple days for the tickets. I'm sure you can come up with a creative solution for getting through the next few nights." What? I can't get the tickets today…I'm going to have to stay here longer! But I'm broke, I have no way of feeding or sheltering myself until than. You bastard! "If you really want the tickets, you'll meet my associate in front of the NERV main entrance the day after tomorrow. He'll give you a ride to the airport on that day and not a moment sooner. Until then, you're on your own!"

"…But…"

"Goodbye." The phone clicks and the connection is lost. He's left me to fend for myself for the next two nights.

I reluctantly move the receiver back to the cradle before violently slamming it back into place. His totalitarian decision still rings in my ears. So I need to come up with an idea of where I'm going to sleep tonight? I have no money, nothing of value to trade or sell, and no idea where I should go.

I scan the hospital lobby, looking for an idea…looking for anything that might ease the burden. I stare at the benches, their soft cushions looking good enough to sleep on. I test the firmness of the fabric with my hand, seeing if it could at least keep me for one night. The bench rests in a secluded corner, so chances are, nobody will notice me sleeping here. Not that they'd care, it's not like there's a law against staying in here overnight.

I walk around the lobby again, searching for something to act as insulation. I manage to find a stack of newspapers over by the counter. I pick up a small pile and walk back to the cushioned bench, setting the stack to one side for later use. It might not be much, but it'll at least keep me warm for the night.

I can't believe this, reduced to living like a bum because the old man refuses to help. He just hangs it up and expects me to whip up a solution out of thin air. But I'm not exactly in a position to be making huge demands either, so I just need to keep my mouth shut and focus on what needs to be done.

I sit back on the bench, watching the people walk back and forth across the marble flooring. They go about their business, failing to notice my antics as I sit out for the rest of the day, prepping myself for the long night ahead. It will be tough, but I think I'm going to make it.

I pull part of the stack of newspapers apart, unfolding each section and placing it over a part of my body, than laying the rest back down for use as a pillow. It all comes down to who can hold out longer…me or my father. The night will pass, and only one will remain.

* * *

"Hey! You! Get out of here!"

His voice invades my dreams, the mental pull bringing me back to this reality, awakening me to the sight of an angry guard. Before I can respond to his unwelcome intrusion, he hoists me off the bench, spewing newspapers all across the floor.

He drags me across the floor, pulling my clothing, threatening to tear the sleeves as I try to use my weight as an anchor. But his limbs overpower what little resistance I can put up, forcing me out the entrance into the sunlight and throwing me onto the rough sidewalk. A splash is heard as I find myself lying in a puddle.

"Good for nothing bum." His cold remark goes unnoticed as he walks back through the entrance.

Through the morning light, I catch glimpse of a woman peering over my decrepit appearance, a small girl latched to her leg.

"Mommy, that lady scares me."

"It's alright honey, just stay close to me. Everything's going to be alright." The woman leads the girl off inside the building.

As for me, I raise myself out of the puddle, allowing the water to drip from my replacement clothes. Pissed at the sudden inconvenience, I begin to walk. I don't know where, I don't know when I'll stop, I don't why or for what purpose…I just keep walking. The sidewalk passes beneath me under the blazing sun, slowly drying my clothes and leaving them stained with dirt.

I wander past the piercing glances of many individuals, some recognizing who I am and gasping in shock while others take no heed of my drop from grace. I continue pacing and these people grow fewer and farther between, all but disappearing when I reach the end of the path. The trail has led me to the very beach I first woke up on but the imprint of my body has long vanished to the merciless wind. Misato's plank grave remains rooted in place at the water's edge, the ripples beating against the standing symbol.

I walk to the plank and stare down at it. Wanting to tear my gaze from it, the pain being too great, I look further down the beach. A group of 7 or so stands by the lake's edge, an air of silence passes over them as they push off little paper boats into the water. The paper boats have little candles balanced in the middle, making them symbolic in some sense. One member of the group begins to cry as they watch the paper floaters drift off into the ruins. Their glowing light is hampered and eventually lost to the concrete structures that jet above the surface.

I gaze back at the symbol that stands before me, teeming with anger at its pointless existence. It stands as a symbol of abandonment, betrayal, and deception, losing out to her in every way. I kick the plank out into the water, sending it a good 7 feet above the water before letting it crash and float along the surface.

"Damn Misato."

I turn my back to the lake and continue my venture into the ruins of Tokyo-3. Leading myself through the rubble, I stand in shock over the destruction that still stands. Having lacked the resources to rebuild the city, NERV had evacuated all civilian elements from the city and only held on to essential personnel. Hikari and two of the stooges left because of that…but it was Hikari's departure that helped send me over the edge.

But it wasn't the only thing…not even the main reason.

I keep climbing over blocks of concrete, continuing my search for something unknown. I don't do any digging or moving, not even bothering to stop or check suspicious spots. I simply move amongst the dirt and rubble, somehow content to this useless shuffling about. The tall, lonely structures stand as monument to a city I needed to protect, but even if we had succeeded in protecting the city, would we have kept the people safe?

Finished with this task, I go about finding a nice, abandoned place to stay for the night. I stumble across a staircase leading underground and decide to follow it. Beneath the surface lie several doors, welded shut by some unseen catalyst. Beside one of the doors is a large box marked with the NERV leaf. Sufficiently sized, I lay the box on its side and climb in. Closing the lid around the edges, I curl up and lay my head down.

The more pathetic this gets, the more my father wins.

* * *

"Hello…Miss? Wake up! Wake up now!" Something rough jerks me from the box, pulling on my shoulders and forcing me onto the pavement outside.

"Hey, jerk. Can't you see I'm trying to get some sleep?" Some people have a lot of nerve to disturb a girl who's down on her luck.

"Just get moving! I don't have all day." He tosses a small pamphlet of paper, which slowly flutters to the ground. Snatching it off the ground, I read it and find it to be an airline ticket.

Straight to Germany!

I scramble off the ground and chase the man up the stairs. He has a car waiting outside, its engine warm and running. The man, wearing a black suit and sunglasses, lets himself in but doesn't drive off immediately. I slowly walk across the front of the car and into the passenger's seat. Satisfied, the suited figure puts his foot to the gas pedal and the car roars through the abandoned city.

Now that the hard part of the deal is out of the way, I need to come up with a way for getting back at the old man. Not now, I'm too tired to come up with such a plan…maybe tomorrow, after a bath and a fresh change of clothes. And I'm sure my step-mom will be thrilled to have me back, though the feeling isn't exactly mutual. But, that's the way we live life.

The suited man keeps staring ahead, but in all his attention in driving, he doesn't break for the highway. Wait! If we're not heading for Tokyo-2, than where do I get on the flight? My question is answered when the car pulls past a wired fence and into an armed, secure area. Out ahead, waiting on the tarmac, is a hover-jet, its grayish white paintjob indicating its designation to NERV.

"Is that my ride to the airport?" I point to the large figure waiting out on the tarmac.

"No, we've got another plane for you. It's small, modest, and can make the trip with one stop." The man gives a very unpleasant smug when at his description of the aircraft.

The car stops abruptly, causing the tires to squeal a little against the ground. The man steps out of the car and signals for me to follow. Taking the gesture, I follow him outside onto the edge of a runway. The wind catches my hair, sending it all to one side in a tangled mess of red strands. I try to pull my hair back in, but there's too much for my hands to grasp at once, so I just let it flow freely in the breeze.

The man leads me across the airfield to an aircraft already parked in position for takeoff. A door on the side is open with a portable staircase leading up to the entrance. The man stops at the bottom of the steps, pointing upward to the door. Ignoring the twits 'no-duh' advise, I shuffle my way the steps.

A wave of discomfort shatters the tranquility I held earlier, making my steps seem heavier than before. There's no captain or attendant to greet me at the door and when I finally climb inside, all the other seats are empty. The whole plane is deserted between the cabin and the curtains in the back. I clutch my ticket tighter and find myself a random seat somewhere towards the center of the plane.

With no luggage with me, there's no need to reach for the overhead compartment, but I still check anyway. It turns out to be empty, just like the rest of the plane. I sit back down and lay my seat back to rest.

"This is your Captain speaking, we will be departing momentarily. Please move your trays up, put your seats in their upright position, and keep your arms forward and attached to the arm rests during takeoff. We hope you...enjoy our flight." Great! Just when I thought I could get some sleep. I guess it will have to wait.

Setting my seat back up, I follow the captain's instructions to the letter. The tray is already set up, so all I need to do is set my arms forward here and…wait!!! SHIT!

"What the hell is going on here?" I try to tug my arms back, but something has latched them to the arm rest. "Let go of me. Dammit, what the hell is going on?"

The engines in the back are starting to rev up, signaling the plane's immanent departure. So it was all a trap? But why do this? I was going to return of my own free will, why does my father need me held captive?

Unless he's going to try it again!

The discovery hits my mind like a baseball bat, and the struggle begins. Trying to force my way out of my bonds, I fight against the restraints. I won't go back if it means suffering like last time. The plane is picking up speed, it's probably too late to try and jump off…and what's that noise.

The ceiling hisses as a green gas drops from vents above me down to the floor. A light-headed feeling floods my mind. The fight in me begins to soften, draining the resolve to resist my captivity. Yet I feel as if I could float right out of these bonds, fly away to freedom like a little bird…there's not a moment to…lose…

"I…can't…go back…like this…"

* * *

(A/N Okay, I'm not going to blab on again, but if you want to read the rest of the story, you have to read EtLomS. [My other story I hope you enjoyed this small quirp...I would have made it slightly longer, but I ran into a few roadblocks that I just couldn't right around. I hope that this was enough to show my...meager talent.) 


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